i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
