there's paper in my vomit.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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