just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
