Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
