is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
