hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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