I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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