bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
