handjob tips. give me some.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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