I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
