My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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