Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
