and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
