Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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