I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
