I haven't been this sober since birth.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
