I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
