I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize