Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize