idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
