She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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