so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
