so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
