Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize