Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Randomize
