Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
