I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Im part way to drunk.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
