I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
