Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
