I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
