I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
