There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
