the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
