I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize