The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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