I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
the condom got lost in my hair
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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