I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
