I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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