We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
