she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
