There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
