I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you would pick up someone in the library
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Congratulations! We have a period
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
