Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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