I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
