come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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