I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
