I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
