So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
