the new term for farting is butt boxing.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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