no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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