Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
