hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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