Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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