I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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