We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
