"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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