Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
