let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
