some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
