i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize