Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
