i think my mom watched the whole time
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Can you bring me the toilet please
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
