her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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