Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
