I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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