Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
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