dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
